Stargazing
by Maugurt
Summary: AU. Alex had spent the majority of her life repressing her past. A familiar face turns her carefully organized memories into chaos. This contains triggering content. Mentions of self harm and abuse. I also strongly advice you to look elsewhere if you find it hard to read about alcoholism.
1. Chapter 1

Stargazing

She was awakened from her slumber when one of her neighbors found it necessary to slam their door shut. Groaning, she turned to the wall as the light from outside managed to illuminate the room through the blinds. It was probably late already, but she had no intention of leaving the bed. The warmth from the cover kept her in a sweet haze she wasn't willing to give up just yet. As the minutes passed, she realized she wouldn't be able to fall asleep again. The one time she hadn't had any nightmares, she was pulled from her sleep by a fucking door. Ever since high school, she'd had all these crazy nightmares and no one to tell them to. It was her own fault, though. She was the one who pushed everyone away. A heavy sigh left her mouth as she threw the cover off. She sat up slowly, eyes still closed, and reached for the flask on her bedside table. With practiced ease, she opened it and took five big gulps of the fiery liquid, not once flinching. She got used to the dry burn a long time ago. Still groggy from the lack of sleep, she stood up and wobbled over to the other side of the room where she knew a pile of relatively clean clothes waited for her. Her stash was almost gone and she had to buy more, forcing her to actually get dressed and leave the apartment. Despite knowing the outcome, she opened her eyes to look for the jar with money. As predicted, she gave out an almost hiss-like sound. Even if the room was more murky than bright, the few rays of sunshine sneaking in through the blinds were enough to burn her eyes. She cursed loudly, but decided that it was time to get used to the light. It would be worse once she got outside and easing into it was way better than the shock treatment of just stepping out, unprepared. Running her hands through her black hair and putting on her thick-rimmed glasses, she inspected her clothing options.

With money tightly held in one hand and her phone in the other, she left the apartment complex. The brightness wasn't as bad as she'd feared. It took some time to adjust to it, sure, but since she had opened the blinds earlier, it didn't take nearly as much time as it usually did. She walked the same path as she always did, straight to the convenient store around the corner. They had everything she needed and if it was the right cashier, the one with the big nose and too much empathy, she got a discount. He probably pitied her for always buying the same things; Two bottles of whiskey, one tequila, three vodka bottles, one egg carton, butter and some bread. She didn't need more than that. It wasn't like she ever got hungry anymore. She ate because she knew that she had to.

She used to be so much better. All that changed because of her own stupidity. If she had taken the warnings seriously, she wouldn't be like this. She wouldn't be so _lonely_. Even her mother had stopped talking to her. She would bring an occasional lunch box and leave it outside the door, but she never wanted to come in. She didn't even leave messages, just the food and then she'd be gone again. They used to be so close, but she had to ruin that too. Maybe she was better off alone anyway. The only thing she was good at was hurting the people she loved. All the bullshit she'd fed everyone, of course they got tired of it, _she_ got tired of it. The sad thing about it was that it was addicting. At first, it was just a game. Once a lie went unnoticed, she had to top herself, go just a little further, maybe even break a few boundaries. The further it got, the more lies she told. Eventually she couldn't keep track of everything she'd said.

When lying wasn't enough she started to distance herself. The girls at school bullied her for every reason they could think of, but instead of telling someone, she crawled into herself, to her safe haven where nobody could reach her. Being alone, she created an alter ego, a version of herself that people would like. She would sneak out at night and go to college parties even if she was far too young. No one ever questioned why a 14 year old girl was there. They probably didn't know how old she actually was, but in no way did she look 18. Many bad things happened during that period, things she wasn't proud of. She already knew she was into girls, but she wanted to feel _normal_, if only just for a night. Except she didn't feel normal. She felt used and disgusting. The guys treated her like trash and left her naked and passed out with no way of getting home. Not a single person stopped to think; "Hey, maybe this young girl needs help." Not a single one. The morning after she'd call her mother, saying that she slept at a friend's house and forgot to call. Since she was used to lying, she was good at it and her mother believed her. She took advantage of her mother's trust and for what? Parties she would regret. Even her alter ego disliked what she did, but she couldn't stop. She needed the acknowledgment, the gratification of knowing that someone saw her and thought that she was worth something, even if that something was one night of pleasure on their behalf. Maybe they were right, maybe they were all right. The girls at school, the guys at the parties, they treated her like she deserved to be treated. It was like some divine power telling them she'd done something really bad and needed to be punished for it.

Then came Piper. The pretty girl with the blonde hair. She had moved to New York because her father got a job in Brooklyn. Piper was the kind of girl who would have all these smart things to say and she was kind to everyone. One day she introduced herself and since then, they were inseparable, making her believe that maybe, just maybe the universe wanted something good for her too. They would do everything together and the bullies would hate the blonde, but she only smiled at them and ignored all the hateful words. She was everything a broken soul needed, but she would never know what had happened in the past. That was locked away far, far back where no one was allowed, not even Piper.

However, hiding things from the person she loved turned out to be much harder than she'd thought. She started to crawl back into herself again, hiding so she wouldn't accidentally say something she wasn't supposed to. The last thing she wanted was for Piper to be concerned or sad, so she put on a smile to hide all her insecurities. The blonde knew, she must have, but she didn't say anything. Probably wanted it to come naturally and not force anything out. It didn't come out naturally, though. It stayed hidden, but Piper was patient. She always was. So patient and so understanding.

When they turned 15 they weren't just friends anymore. Beautiful Piper thought that she was worthy of her love. She had been absolutely terrified when the blonde had expressed her feelings. What if she would realize all her faults and leave her. Even so, she couldn't say no. Never. She wanted to be with Piper, but she didn't want Piper to be with her. No one deserved to be stuck with her. She didn't want to think about the possibility of the blonde leaving her, but it popped up in her head every time they held hands or kissed. All the 'what if's occupied her brain, causing her to break down and cry at the worst moments. Then she started hurting herself physically to numb the psychological pain. She would light cigarette butts and burn her upper arms and on the inside of her thighs causing her to never wear short legged or sleeved clothes. No one noticed, though. Only Piper, but yet again she trusted that the truth would come out if she was patient.

The raven haired girl never uttered a word about it, but she felt bad for creating new lies. There were enough of them already and the blonde didn't deserve to be lied to. The burns stopped, but something worse came out of it. She began smoking and drinking, behaving badly and pushing her lovely girlfriend away, treating her like she had been treated. Eventually Piper gave her two options; To stop behaving like a dick or to stop dating. She didn't give her a verbal answer, but she didn't do anything about her behavior. Just like that she had lost the love of her life. Her safe haven was no longer a safe place either. She couldn't even escape there anymore. Everything was just Piper. When she was gone, the fights with her mother began. The trusting bond completely dissolved and all that was left was disappointment. Staying in the same house as her mother turned out to be impossible. It was hard to deal with all the yelling and all the hurt. She moved to a small apartment. An apartment her mother payed for, hoping that the distance would repair their bond. It didn't. All it did was deepen the rift between them.

She swore to herself then, to never love again, to never let another person into her life, to only leave her apartment if it was absolutely necessary. Everything happened because of _that_. That dark void inside her that had her shivering every time she got near it. It was a memory she had pushed so far back that it was just a black hole. What would happen to her if she stopped pushing it back? Would the last ounce of light be devoured, leaving her completely naked in the dark? She was so afraid of herself to the point where she thought the best option was to drown everything out with alcohol. When sober, almost everything was clear, but if she was drunk she only had glimpses of memories. It was best for everyone if she kept to herself, drinking away the days.

Pulling the jacket closer to herself, she walked a little faster, kicking some pebbles as she went. It had gotten so cold over the last few weeks. The leaves were decorating the ground with their fiery colors and her breaths turned into foggy little clouds. It wouldn't take long for the first snow to come. She didn't really like the winter, especially not since she'd started drinking. The snow was way too bright and it was also cold. The girls at school would be the absolute worst during the winter, which contributed to her hatred. They would take her jacket and put it in the snow when she was in class, telling the teacher they went to the bathroom. It still got her angry just thinking about it. Piper wasn't a fan of the cold either. They had always talked about moving to a warmer country, like Bali or something where they could swim and sunbathe all year, but they never got to it. Looking back, it might have been for the best. She'd never been good for the blonde and never would be. Not that she would ever get the chance to be. Piper had a new life and was probably married to a person who treated her like she deserved, a person who didn't lie or keep secrets from her. A person that wasn't her.

She reached the sidewalk, foot getting stuck under a stone and stumbled forward. Unfortunately, she wasn't able to regain balance and landed face first onto cold stone. The hard fall had her black out for a few seconds, but she soon recovered, blinking her eyes open. Somewhere down the road a woman shouted something. The voice sounded worried and it came closer. A groan left the raven haired woman's throat as she sat up and adjusted her, surprisingly still intact, glasses. She felt dizzy and like she was going to throw up, but there wasn't any blood to be seen so it wasn't that bad. Her wrists were aching, though. She must have caught herself, somewhat easing the fall. The other woman was crouched down beside her, stroking her back in a comforting motion while asking how she was feeling. Her voice was so soft and undeniably familiar. She knew that voice, but the fall must have made her hallucinate. Not wanting to keep the painful illusion up, she pushed her hair away from her face to thank the other woman properly. Shoulder length, blonde hair and worried blue eyes, a sight all too familiar.

"Pipes?" She was definitely hallucinating.

"Alex? Is it really- How are you? You okay? The fall, it looked... It looked pretty bad." The raven haired woman just stared at the blonde. Maybe she had blacked out for real. She'd had to. Piper acted way too calm and not at all disgusted or angry just... Just concerned and maybe a little curious. Clearing her throat, she brushed some dirt off of her jacket and sat up straighter, wanting to look somewhat presentable for the other woman. She shook her head and took a deep breath before answering.

"No, I'm... I'm okay, I think." Her mouth felt dry, like she'd tried to clean the Sahara with her tongue. Piper seemed different, but somehow not at all. She still had the same caring eyes, the concerned little wrinkles above her eyebrows and she even used that hushed tone she always had when troubled. Everything was the same, yet she still seemed different. A good different. It hit her like a brick to the face when she figured out what had changed. The blonde looked full of life and not exhausted and worn out. The last time they talked to each other, Piper had looked so tired with dark circles under her red eyes. She'd put all the cards on the table, told her that she'd been up all night crying and why. It had hurt so fucking much to see her like that, to hear that it was all her fault. Another reason to dwell in self loathing. She had dragged the other through hell for her own selfish reasons.

"You don't look very okay, though. Are you sick? Have you not eaten well? You look so thin and your cheeks are staring to hollow out." Alex panicked for a second. She probably looked like shit with half dirty clothes and fucked up hair, not to mention her overall sick looking features. It was true that her cheeks had hollowed out quite a bit and she had that same tired look as Piper had all those years ago, dark circles to go with it. Even her eyes had started to sink into her skull, but it wasn't as notable as everything else. Fortunately she was dressed in many layers of clothing, hiding the way her ribs would poke out slightly when she stood up straight and also the lack of fat and muscles on her arms. She didn't really look anorectic, but definitely not healthy.

"Oh, yeah. I've been very sick for a while so I couldn't really eat. I'm much better now, though," the raven haired woman said with ease. She really was stupid, wasn't she? Lying the first chance she got. Pathetic. Piper nodded and seemed to actually swallow the lie. She was such a good person and Alex took advantage of that. Again. It was as if she hadn't learned anything from her previous experiences, walking down that dangerous path of deception and manipulation again. This time the blonde wouldn't be affected, though. Piper would go back to her life and Alex would have yet another memory to drink away. The blonde had been nice to her and she couldn't afford the luxury of thinking about it. Those thoughts were poison and could very well drive her insane. Not that she was ever sane to begin with. It was just normal for her to act like a complete fucking idiot and speaking of normal. Piper stood up and stretched out a hand for her to take, seemingly wanting to leave the scene and walk to wherever she was going. As soon as the other woman had gone, her life would go back to normal.

"Hey, here's a thought. We should have dinner tonight. I live just around the corner, 13D."

Except it wouldn't. All kinds of lies swam around in her head, some of them plausible and others plain stupid. Neither of them would actually leave her lips, though. Instead her mouth hung open, like a patient's, waiting for their doctor to stick a tongue depressor down their throat. Maybe not that wide of a gape, but her mouth was definitely open and unwilling to close. She had to say no. There was no way she could actually go through with a dinner, not with her. Just the thought had her nauseous. Piper deserved better, she was too good.

"If you have time of course. Or maybe you don't even live here? Maybe you're just visiting a friend. Or a girlfriend even. Shit, I didn't think of that. And I must sound _really_ cocky. There's a chance that you don't even want my company and I'm just assuming-"

"Dinner sounds lovely." She must have missed all the stop signs and walked straight into a fucking wall. There was no return from the disaster she'd made. It would've been so much easier if she'd just lied her way out it, but no. She was a masochist, wanting to get burned by the bright flame that was Piper Chapman. Despite her wanting to lay down and disappear, she grabbed hold of the blonde's still outstretched hand and managed to stand up. In a matter of minutes she'd gone from happily oblivious of the other woman's proximity to painfully aware. Then came the dinner plan. It was a really fucking stupid plan. Dinner did _not_ sound lovely. Even so, she couldn't say no. Never.

xxx

Instead of going to the store, she'd turned around and walked home again. Her head was throbbing, making her fall to the floor as soon as she'd closed the door behind her. She had stared at her feet for a good forty minutes, trying to reassemble the carefully sorted thoughts. Everything had its own place and it needed to stay that way in order for her to have some sort of control over her life. All memories were sorted by the impact they'd had on her. The worst ones were in the far back and milder ones were close enough for her to reach. However, Piper's sudden appearance had made everything clutter. Nothing was suddenly where it was supposed to be. She'd been home again by four pm, alone with her thoughts for four more hours. That hadn't gone nearly as well as she'd hoped. By five she was close to ruining the few things she had in her apartment, completely overtaken by anger. By six she was laying in fetal position on the floor, crying silently. By seven she considered smashing her empty liqueur bottles and pressing the sharp shards into her arms and legs, marking her up real good. That didn't happen, though. She picked up her phone and noticed that time had flown away. It was almost nine. With a humorless laughter, she put it down on the floor again and emptied the Old Crow Reserve whiskey bottle. Wasn't it full when she began drinking? Probably.

She had sort of promised herself to stay sober, at least for the night, but that was never really an option to begin with, was it? If she'd gotten a penny for every alcohol-related promise she had made, she'd have more money than a drug lord. Sobriety didn't seem to be her thing, not her cup of tea. Her teacups were filled with bourbon and sweet promises of temporary amnesia. The only negative with that was the "temporary" part. Real, full on amnesia wouldn't be that bad at all, actually. As she reached for another bottle of liquid escape, the real world crashed down on her with a few tentative knocks on the door. She had woken up that morning by a door and yet again she awoke by another fucking door. Her neighbors really had a thing for bothering her when she should be left alone. A more firm knock had her stumbling to the wooden nuisance. The door wasn't to blame, though, she thought as she turned the handle. It really wasn't. A gorgeous, blonde woman with beautiful sapphire eyes was to blame. Right. She'd told Piper where she lived. Considering the current situation, that probably hadn't been such a good idea. It took a some time for the blonde to realize the state she was in, eyes going from worried to mad in a split second.

"How fucking _dare_ you? I waited for _forty five minutes_ and you've been sitting here, _drinking_. You really haven't changed one bit, have you? I've felt bad for leaving you like that _for seven years _and this is how I find you_?_ With a bottle in hand and completely drunk off your ass. I thought that I meant something to you, but_ clearly _I was wrong. It was just an eighteen year old's hopes. I left you because of how selfish you were and you're still _exactly_ the same. Do you even know how much you _hurt me_, how much I'm hurting _right now_? Do you even _care_? You could at least have had the decency to tell me right away instead of giving me false hope. It's like you _want_ me to suffer, but don't you think I've suffered enough? I _loved_ you. I really did, but I see how it is. _Fuck you_, Alex."

She wanted to answer, but no words seemed to surface. Instead she watched as the blonde woman shook her head, a look of disappointment and disgust written on her face. Yet again she felt nauseous and angry. She could understand why Piper would believe what she'd just said, but it wasn't true. Not all of it. As for the parts that were true, she already beat herself up pretty good for it, it wasn't like she needed to hear it from other people too. Especially not from the blonde. She'd fucked up again, hadn't she? As something, hopefully words, bubbled up her throat, the other woman turned around and walked to the elevator, not waiting even a second more. The words died on her tongue as the iron doors closed behind Piper. She could feel her hands starting to tremble. Even one night, one fucking night, in a sober state was too much of a task for her. Turning around, slowly to keep her balance, she felt completely empty. All anger drained and her mind was set on one thing. She needed to get to the bathroom.

With the bottle still in her hand, she managed to get safely to the medicine cupboard, grabbing all painkillers she could find. No stop signs flashed as she sat down in the shower, it was all clear and she could see the horizon without any disturbances this time, only a lonely road leading her to the flaming sunset. She closed her eyes, for once welcoming memories of her Piper. As she filled her mouth with all kinds of pills, she went back to the time where kissing the blonde was normal, when they would spend hours just staring at each other, when they held up a happy charade. Despite the happy memories, tears escaped her closed eyes. It would all end in a few hours or however long it took for her body to absorb the pills and alcohol. She didn't know how long it took for everything to turn black, but the last thing she saw was sapphire eyes.

AN: I just can't seem to help myself with these angsty fics. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this two-shot because I worked bloody hard on it x)

Also, thank you so so much for the follows and the comments on my previous stories. You guys are incredible!

These characters does not belong to me in any way, shape or form.

Ps; I want to thank my lovely lovely friend trasigtnintendo for helping me with this. Without her, this wouldn't be as good.

PPS; Please read the second chapter as well as it has a happy ending!


	2. Chapter 2

-beep, beep, beep-

"Alex, you're in a hospital. Stay calm." The surrounding voices died down as she welcomed the darkness again.

-beep, beep, beep-

"She's waking up again. Alex? How are you feeling?" A disembodied voice spoke, but was blocked out as soon as it had appeared.

-beep, beep, beep-

As she opened her eyes, the unfamiliar room was dimly lit, making her eyes adjust easier. Still slightly confused, she looked around and noticed the whole room was in bright colors. White ceiling, cream white walls with one long pastel blue line and a beige looking floor. Her arms were connected by small tubes to the beeping machines standing next to her, making her realize she was in a hospital. She reached for her glasses laying on a table beside her bed and put them on, feeling absolutely exhausted by such a small gesture. She wasn't supposed to be there, she wasn't supposed to be alive. Every fiber in her body wanted to rip the tubes out and run away, but she felt so heavy, like putting her glasses on drained her last bit of energy. She really couldn't move. And how did she get there? There was no way she'd gotten there by herself. She'd put herself in that situation, and for good reason, so someone must have found her. She squeezed her eyes shut again and tried to think about what had happened. Piper left and... Piper. No, she wouldn't go back. Not after... Not after finding Alex like that. Forcing back the thick lump in her throat, she opened her eyes again, focusing on some kind of stain on the ceiling. She had blacked out so fast, completely exhausted by all the emotions that had resurfaced. How much time had passed since that day? Hours? Days? She was abruptly pulled from her thoughts as someone stepped into the room and gasped.

"Oh my God. Al," Piper's voice sounded from the doorway before she hurried to the raven haired woman's side. Her hand was squeezed so hard it almost hurt. She met the blonde's eyes, going for an apologetic expression, but probably failing miserably.

"Hey," she said, voice raspy from not using it in some time. The other woman had tears in her eyes, looking relieved, worried and drained all at once. It was so weird having her there. Why was she there? How had she found out she'd been hospitalized? Did she know what had happened?

"Hey," she answered, voice trembling. The blonde wanted to say or ask something, almost did, it seemed, but stopped herself. Knowing Piper, she would speak eventually, though. Except she didn't really know the blonde anymore. She turned her head at that realization, finding the stain in the ceiling again.

"Don't do that, Al. Don't push me away." Alex let out a sigh and closed her eyes, clenching her jaw. She wanted Piper by her side, wanted Piper to fix her, but how could she let that happen without hurting the blonde? Just having her in the same room and letting her breathe in the toxins oozing from her was bad enough. Alex wanted her to go away and she wanted her to stay, wanted her to just... what? What was it that she truly wanted? She wanted something, but she wasn't sure of what.

"What are you hiding? You've kept me out since we were kids, but I don't why." Piper spoke softly. It was so hard having the blonde beside her, hearing her speak after actively trying to forget the sound of her voice. Feeling her touch when it had been so hard to realize that she'd never get to do that again. Seeing her beauty up close as she'd done so often all those years ago. It would be so easy to just open up and speak, explain why she had acted like a stupid fucking asshole, but even the smallest word felt like a betrayal. She had promised herself to keep everyone out, not wanting to hurt more people than she'd already done.

"Why are you here, Piper?" she asked weakly. The blonde sighed beside her, sounding defeated. She was still so patient, still so kind. No one forced her to be there, but still she sat there, holding her hand. It was quite frustrating having such a compassionate and strong woman beside her when she clearly didn't deserve it.

"You're aware that I'm the only contact on your phone, right? They called me and said that you were here and I've been here since then, only going home for showers... You've been here for almost a month, Al." Piper's words punched the air out of her lungs. She hadn't considered the possibility of getting hospitalized when she'd saved the blonde's number, much less the fact that the paramedics would call the contact person. Of course it would look like Piper was the person to contact when the only number on her phone was hers. The rest of the words sunk in slowly, like they were particularly hard to understand. The other woman had stayed by her side for a month. Alex's eyes teared up as she swallowed around the big, reappearing lump in her throat.

"Pipes," she said, voice breaking. She turned her head towards the blonde, green meeting blue, for once showing weakness by exposing her feelings. Piper took a shaky breath, also fighting back tears. Alex squeezed her hand, finally reciprocating the gesture, and refused to let go. She needed the other woman, she really did. Without her, she wasn't even alive.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," she practically whispered. The blonde only nodded, moving closer to the bed. They both stopped holing back and cried freely, Piper placing her head on the other's chest and Alex stroking her hair. There were a lot of questions that needed to be asked and pent up answers that were long due, but neither of them had the energy to deal with that just then. Instead, they aired out the hurt and just let each other be weak for a while.

They silenced after some time, enjoying the way neither of them had to speak. It was nice to just kind of be and not worry about what the other would think. She and the blonde had always been like that, not having to force out a conversation when all they wanted was silence. Alex felt the steady breath of the other woman, warming the fabric over her chest with every soft exhalation. It was soothing and wrapped her up in a warm blanket of familiarity.

"Your mother's been here, by the way," the blonde mumbled while drawing lazy patterns in the raven haired woman's palm. It seemed like such a casual statement, like the words held no weight, but it felt like they stopped her heart. The consistent beeping from the monitors proved that to be wrong, though. Piper sat up and took hold of her hand again, squeezing it reassuringly.

"She went home to rest for a bit. She's been here the whole time so I practically made her go home. At least for a few hours. She was- We _both_ were worried sick." The other woman's tone was very gentle, as if to ease in what she was saying as carefully as possible. Alex breathed out as evenly as she could muster, trying so hard to keep her tears at bay. She hadn't spoken to her mother in so many years. It hadn't even crossed her mind that she could have been there.

"Why... Why didn't you tell me sooner?" she asked, not sounding the slightest bit composed. Her voice was so weak, she could barely recognize it, and it held a constant tremor. The blonde tilted her head a bit, looking somewhat concerned.

"I wanted to wait until you were calm. I know you've had a rough couple of years and... I just... I didn't want to lay everything on you in one blow." Alex nodded, breathing in through her nose. She couldn't blame the other. Any reasonable person would have done the same.

"I- I'm sorry, I should have-"

"No, it's okay. Is she... How is she?" It felt like she was walking on thin ice, accepting everything so easily, like nothing had happened. No one could say for certain that everything would be okay, that she wouldn't do the same mistakes again, and it scared her. She knew how much it had hurt the first time and she wouldn't be able to handle it a second time around. She wasn't even able the first time. The worst part was that she so obviously tore up her surroundings too. Piper had told her that night a month ago, had explained exactly what had been going on in her head, and it was the most heartbreaking thing she had ever heard. It was what got her into the hospital bed. Not that she was supposed to end up being taken care of.

"She's fine, Al. She's fine." Alex could finally breathe evenly again. Her mother was a strong woman, she knew that, but hearing that she was actually fine lifted such a huge weight off her chest. She squeezed Piper's hand back, again late with the reciprocation, and actually managed to give her a weak smile.

"That's good."

xxx

She looked out through the window in her room, watching as the last snow flakes hit the already cold ground. It was already dark, even if it was just three pm. Running her fingers over the glass, she felt a sudden urge to go outside. It wasn't like she wanted to escape or anything, she just wanted to cool off, like it was absolutely necessary to get rid of some warmth. Ever since Piper came back into her life, her body had been overheated, like her heart pumped the blood through her veins with more vigor than ever before. At least it felt like it. She seriously hoped it was because of the blonde and not because of heart palpitation. The last thing she wanted was to become terminally ill when she was doing so well. She saw a psychiatrist once a week and actually enjoyed the company in the psychiatric hospital. It felt nice to be in a place where people could relate to her thoughts and worries, a place where no one was looked down upon, a place where she was never really alone. Piper would visit her on the weekends and things actually looked bright. Alex wasn't fully ready to tell the blonde everything just yet, but she worked on it, slowly, steadily. She was doing good and having the other woman support her through every step was a huge comfort. They weren't quite _there _yet, though. Not where she wanted them to be. There were a few more steps to take, but Piper was good as a friend, the best.

It had been hard the first couple of weeks, having people around her constantly when she was so used to being alone. There was always someone by her side. She didn't even have her own room, 'Due to the suicide risk', as they had put it. She shared the spacious room with a brunette who was struggling with all sorts of inner demons. A distant mother was the tipping point for her, breaking her down into an insecure shadow of a person who sought refugee in drugs. It wasn't like her mother had a legitimate reason to leave her daughter out, either. No. She was distant by choice, busy being a socialite and what not, making the brunette try that much harder to be noticed. All it did was push the mother away, it seemed, as she became even more unapproachable. It was all a downward spiral from there and somewhere along the way, her mother hid her in a mental institution. Alex had been so angry when she heard that story. She felt for the other woman and promised herself that she would keep in touch with her when they got out.

Telling her story had been easier than she initially thought, but it was by no means a piece of cake. The first one she told was her psychiatrist. It took her two months, three weeks and five days to trust the old man enough to tell the story. They had started off with happy memories and then slowly eased into darker ones. She had told the man in the office chair next to her that she could have said something earlier, that it was her fault that the man she once called father wasn't convicted. He shouldn't have gotten off so easily, but she had been too afraid to tell anyone. Too afraid to not take his threats seriously. He had threatened to kill her mother if she ever found out and Alex had listened. She had been quiet, for so many years, scared that he would find out who had opened up. Mr. Poer had assured her that she wasn't to blame, that it was completely normal to hide it, and that she was brave to finally talk about what had happened. She didn't take his words to heart, though. It was one thing to talk about it, but the guilt was too deeply rooted. What if he had done it again. That was on her. All because of her incapability to act. When she walked out of his office that day, her steps were lighter, like she didn't have all that extra weight anymore. She had cried in her room mate's arms that night, relieved but feeling terrible over it. How could she so selfishly feel relieved when she was in the wrong? Other people could be hurting because of her mistakes. The brunette had held her tightly and swayed back and forth where they sat in her bed, whispering soft comforts in her ear.

They didn't really have access to a lot of things, but it wasn't like a prison either. They could go outside, for example, as the risk of someone escaping was small due to the big fence surrounding the area. They could also leave the premises as long as someone was with them at all times, like a parent or husband or whatever. It seemed a little ridiculous at first since they were all grown ups, but seeing as some of the people were really unstable, it was a reasonable enough requirement. Alex didn't mind at all, though. She enjoyed the company of her mother and it wouldn't be long until Piper was qualified to bring her somewhere outside of the institution. There were a lot of papers that had to be signed and bureaucracy wasn't always the fastest way to deal with things.

"So are you gonna go out or just continue sitting there like a creep?" Alex turned around with a grin, facing the brunette who smirked at her. They hadn't said a word to each other all day, both busy with their own things. Alex had spent the day reading a book for the fifth time. There wasn't really a big selection in their wing, but she was promised by a nurse the other day that they would go the library. She was one of the calmer patients and had the privilege of the nurses' trust, something that wasn't easy to gain according to the woman sharing her room.

"I might just sit here and creep you out a little longer," she said, but went to grab her jacket despite herself. They exchanged a few words before she left the room, informing the nurses she passed by that she would go outside for a bit. When she stepped out on the front lawn, a shiver went through her body. It was cold, but it felt nice. She looked up at the sky and was glad that they were a long way from any major cities. There were no lights to ruin the perfectly clear sky, displaying the billions of stars that lay overhead.

She felt the cold snow against her back as she lay down and for once, she didn't dislike the feeling. It was a welcomed embrace, cooling her overheated body. To think that she could actually feel so uplifted and light, it was something she had never even dared dreaming of. Her mother had started speaking with her again, actual heart to heart conversations or just small chats about everything and nothing, and she had gotten Piper back, her personal star on a clear night sky. Every piece seemed to find its way back to the broken and worn out puzzle, slowly making it whole again.

It was a hard journey, but she was finally sorting herself out. The urge to drink was still strong, but she found comfort in writing. She had asked her mother to bring her a textbook one day and when she got it, the writing began. It became her diary, like a second psychiatrist of sorts, something Mr. Poer was very happy to hear about.

The first step back to normality was to realize that by viewing herself as a victim, she put herself down for defeat. It was always easier to do that, to view yourself as a victim instead of dealing with the actual problem. She needed to see herself as a human and accept that bad things had happened, bad things that were out of her control, and that she had to get past it. She couldn't dwell in it anymore.

She took a deep breath and exhaled, watching as the miniscule ice particles formed frosty clouds that rose to the infinity. The stars painted the black canvas over her head, white little dots in an endless sea, stretching wider than she could ever imagine. Everything seemed so small and insignificant when compared to the enormous vacuum surrounding the little planet so many called home, yet she didn't feel discouraged. She had a place on earth and she was proud to be a part of it, proud to have made it through all ups and downs. Closing her eyes, she let herself feel truly alive for the first time in so many years. The snow had made its way through her jacket, making her skin wet and cold, her hands were starting to numb and her hair was almost completely white, no longer contrasting against the bright ground. She was feeling _everything _without pushing it away.

"Oh my God, Alex! Are you okay?" Piper's voice sounded some feet away. The raven haired woman opened her eyes, emerald meeting sapphire. She didn't answer, worrying the blonde, but simply patted on the snow covered lawn beside her.

"Are you out of your mind? It's freezing, Al! You're gonna get sick." The blonde shifted her weight between her feet, seemingly contemplating the wordless offer despite her own protests. Alex patted the ground once more and turned her eyes to the diamond clad sky again. She must have looked fucking insane, calm as a willow tree while freezing half to death. Piper let out a displeased sound, but lay down beside her anyway. Her eyes were focused on Alex. She could feel them on her skin, used to the feeling of being watched by the other. It didn't take long for her to follow the raven haired woman's example, though, and soon she was looking up in the sky too. The two lay in silence and watched the starry firmament, letting the world pass them by. Alex reached for the other's hand and held it tightly, feeling a sting of pain in her fingers as Piper's hot skin touched hers. They kept quiet with eyes never faltering, still focusing on the above as they squeezed each other's hands just a little tighter. It was a silent confirmation that they would work through their hardships together. Neither of them would be alone anymore.

Everything just seemed to fall into place.

**AN: **Thank you so much for reading this little work of fiction. I highly appreciate feedback, so thank you in advance if you do leave a review~


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